Today I'm going to talk about what my perceptions were of my father growing up and how they have changed. In particular, how I used to respect him and revere him. I looked up to him until I started seeing more clearly the motivations behind his actions.
I grew up in this Mormon congregation on the East Coast where there was a scandal. An assistant scout leader that was respected in the community ended up being a sexual predator. He was very much a wolf in sheep's clothing in a traditional sense.
It was when this happened that I discovered my parents, and my father in particular, had little empathy for the boys who were victims in that situation and a lot of empathy for the assistant scout leader that had abused them.
He wasn’t alone, the judge essentially let the perpetrator off with a slap on the wrist. After all, the scout leader had two small children and a wife who was pregnant.
I think the judge felt sorry for him.
In fairness, I wouldn’t say my father is that kind of wolf in sheep's clothing, although the fact that he had so much empathy for this man who had committed sexual crimes on young boys and has continued to show empathy for predators generally is an indication of something troubling. My dad relates to these kinds of men because in some ways he’s cut from the same cloth.
 |
| Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash |
He isn’t the kind of wolf in sheep's clothing that would ever sexually abuse anyone, but he certainly is a skilled manipulator. Everything he does, even the good, nice, wonderful things that I used to think were just him being a great guy, well... those things always have an agenda.
So I’ve compiled a list of 7 signs indicating you might be dealing with a wolf in sheep's clothing--a manipulator like my father.
1.) A wolf in sheep’s clothing has a persona
When my dad retired a few years ago, the place where he worked threw this big retirement party for him. It was this beautiful, elaborate celebration where his co-workers put a lot of thought and effort into expressing the kind of person he was, and the way they described him was as a family man.
There were men he worked with who had affairs and flings or had cheated on their wives; there were men who went out drinking every chance they got; and there were men who were not terribly reliable and definitely wouldn't win any awards for father of the year. My dad didn’t belong to that club. He put across a persona of a man who loved his family, who put his wife and his children first. He was devoted to them above everything else: devoted to them and devoted to his church.
That was his persona.
I would agree he is absolutely 100% devoted to his wife, but that's where it ends. What you don't see under the surface is that while family is what he claims is the central tenet of his life, more important than family is a sense of control. He has stalked his family in the past. He has shown up at my house, for instance, when he knew I didn't want to talk to him. He has actually broken into my aunt's house when she wasn't home so he could see how clean her house was to make sure she was doing a good job of taking care of his father.
He rationalizes all kinds of things that are illegal, that are harassment, or that are just plain wrong under this guise of being a family man. Just because a person says they're a family man, doesn't mean they're the right kind of family man.
2.) A wolf in sheep's clothing does acts of service
My father comes across as a compassionate, loving man. He will give you the shirt off his back. If you call him in the middle of the night because your car is broken down by the side of the road, he will roll out of bed and he will pick you up. He will make sure your car is taken to a repair place. He will do everything he can to help you.
I have an uncle who was kicked out of his house at one point, and my dad gave him a room. He let Uncle Mathew stay for a while. My dad has a sister who was going through some real rough patches with having other family members not talk to her, and my dad was always willing to talk to her. He was always willing to listen to her no matter what anyone else said.
Growing up, I believed that those things represented who my father was. I believed he was a sincerely empathetic loving person, but as I got older and I stepped back, examining things a little more, I realized there weren’t any times my dad had stepped up to help someone without then gossiping about the person behind their back.
So my uncle, who he let stay in his house for a while, got his reputation put through a ringer by my father. He said so many unkind things about the way he goes about his life. He called this brother irresponsible. He said Uncle Mathew was poor of his own choosing. My dad has basically blamed his brother’s difficult, poverty stricken life on Uncle Mathew’s personality. It is clear cut victim blaming. But to his brother’s face, my dad is super nice. Uncle Mathew sees my dad as the brother that can be relied upon in an emergency, someone who cares.
The sister that couldn't talk to anyone else in the family but could talk to my dad about her personal problems, benefited from his listening ear. But not from him keeping her trust. My dad did not keep her personal problems to himself. Instead he told my mother. He told us children. He spread it around, and he was very critical of the way she had handled things. He told us things he would never say to my aunt’s face, ever. But she doesn’t know any of this. All she knows is the version of my dad that is kind and loving.
I’m going to talk more about this particular aunt more later, so I need to give her a fake name. I’m going to call her S.
S is totally enamored with my dad, especially now.
3.) A wolf in sheep's clothing knows how to build rapport
My father is a teacher. He knows how to connect with his students by asking them about their personal lives. He asks them about their parents and about their hobbies, about what they're excited to do on vacation. He's buddy-buddy with them, and has often told me that to be a good teacher, content matters less than connecting with the students themselves.
It’s good advice.
Growing up, I idolized him and his ability to reach anybody. I thought that he was amazing. He could teach anyone anything.
In our home, we had these weekly meetings called counseling sessions. Each of us children would be called up to my parents bedroom one by one. And my dad would take a little time to ask us how our week was going, how school was going, and to try to connect with us. It sounds like a good practice, but it always felt a bit awkward.
As a child and young adult, I never understood where the awkwardness came from. As an older person, I realized Dad’s connection with us wasn’t very deep or meaningful. The reason the counseling sessions always felt awkward was because he was never really probing for my deeper feelings. He didn’t want to see me or to know me. He wanted surface information and that's fine if you're just casually teaching someone how to play a musical instrument, but if it's your child, I would hope that the child feels like they're very intimately loved and cared for and protected.
There was always an ulterior motive in my dad’s way of connecting.
I'm going to tell you about my son.
This is important.
I have a son who used to be really close to my dad. They connected over mechanical things, over trains and airplanes, the stuff my son really loves. My dad had always been gentle with my son and kind to him. So my son believed my dad was a safe person.
Well, one day a few summers ago, my parents were upset with me because they had invited me to attend something, and I was going to arrive later than they wanted. Instead of being mature about their feelings they set out to punish me in a passive-aggressive way, and not just me, but also the kids.
I showed up to the event. My oldest son was there with me, and instead of his grandfather greeting him in his very warm, friendly, “I'm so happy to see you” way that was customary to their relationship since he was a baby, my father was cold and distant to him. And my son took it personally. He was hurt. He no longer felt like my dad was a safe person. My father did apologize later, but not in a sincere way. It was an apology with a denial of how he’d behaved and an explanation that my son had misunderstood.
He didn't misunderstand anything. My father behaved badly and broke my son’s trust. My dad has yet to grapple with that honestly.
So what it comes down to is that my dad’s rapport building is a front. If he isn't getting what he wants, he will ruin that rapport in the snap of a finger. He will turn on you in an instant. I think growing up I always kind of knew that, but didn’t admit it to myself.
When the rift first formed with my mother, I tried to keep in touch with my father. I tried to keep a relationship going, and over the course of that time, when we were talking on the phone and meeting, I always felt like I couldn't say no to my dad. At least, not too many times.
I could never pinpoint why.
But deep down I knew he would get very irate, or he was going to punish me. He was going to punish my kids in an emotionally abusive way. Still, I didn't want to test it, so I just said yes. I said yes as much as I felt comfortable saying yes.
It turned into a habit.
When I grew enough personally to realize distance was healthier for my little family, it was difficult to say no. It was terrifying. On some level, I always knew he wasn't really a safe person. The rapport was shallow, it wasn’t sincere and based in love, but I didn't want to believe it.
I didn't want to set boundaries that would reveal his disrespect and disregard for me. So I just held on as long as I could to that relationship, not saying no when I should have. I dragged it on long past its expiration date.
Don't do it listeners. Don't do what I did! Don’t be afraid to set healthy boundaries with your parents.
4.) A wolf in sheep's clothing is often established as reputable in respected institutions such as churches which preach respect for authority
This worked well for my dad, because he's a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, where he taught us we needed to listen to authority, that we need to listen to our parents.
Respect meant obedience.
He's been able to use his knowledge of Mormonism to present himself as a hero dad. He is the kind, loving dad who never gives up on his children. He is always there even when we don't want him to be there.
He's not stalking us, we're just ungrateful.
He uses the ideology to take license, and he uses guilt as a means to compel us into doing what he wants us to do. He's very good at guilt trips.
5.) A wolf in sheep's clothing is an expert at love bombing
“What's love bombing?” you ask. Well, it’s intensely flooding someone with gifts or treats, or trips to Hawaii, or a lot of money, or “here, let me take you out to dessert. Let me buy you a meal. Let's go do something fun together.” This is all love bombing.
Here's an example of love bombing.
Back when the rift first opened with my mother, I badly wanted a relationship with my father. I trusted him and didn't want to keep my kids from seeing their grandparents, because I thought it would be cruel.
My father knew this, so he invited me over to their house. He said, “Don't worry about Mom. You don't have to see her. You don't have to talk to her, but she really wants to see her grand kids. She wants to spend time with them, and I would love to take you out to eat.
So me, being the trusting daughter that wanted to be close to her daddy, I go over there. I leave the kids so Grandma can see them. And my father takes me out to this really nice restaurant. He's paying. And he's ordering these beautiful dishes and we're talking. It's casual. He's building rapport. Then he orders dessert, and over dessert the tone of the conversation suddenly shifts to, “God is displeased with you, Angela. You are hurting this family. You are tearing it apart. You are going to be condemned in the last day (or the afterlife) not just by me, but by God himself.”
It was terrible, because he behaved like he had spiritual power over me, to damn me to hell if I didn't give him what he wanted and just kowtow to my mother and pretend everything was fine.
I didn't cave. Instead I became angry. The nice meal and the nice conversation, the dessert and him paying for everything was all love bombing. It was the “love” part of the love bombing. And then we got to the dessert and he decided to confront me. Him being an asshole was the “bomb.” It’s when the chickens came home to roost, because it became clear fast that his whole motivation for inviting me out there wasn't so the grand kids could see their grandmother, it wasn't so he could talk to me and bond with me as his daughter, as he had said. It was a trap. The whole thing had an ulterior motive. The whole thing!
I was angry, but I couldn't leave, because we came in his car.
So listeners, this is apparently how it’s done. Say, “Come over to our house. Let the kids play with their Grandma. She would love that, then you and I will go out. We'll take my car.” All of this will put you at his mercy so you cannot leave.
I was waiting on him.
We climbed into his car and, of course, the drive back to his house was the most awkward, uncomfortable, torturous car ride ever.
We get there.
I jump out of the car and run into the house. I'm angry. So I open the door, “Kids get your stuff. We're leaving. Let's go. Now.” And my mother looks shocked that I have storming into her home.
“What happened?” she says, feigning innocence.
“This is not okay. That was a trap,” I said.
I took the kids home.
Well, years later (after my mom and I had supposedly made up) she wrote a public blog post under her real name, so there was no hiding that it was about me. In it she recounted the incident where her daughter wanted nothing to do with her, but then was fine bringing her kids over for grandma to babysit. That lazy, ungrateful, user of a daughter. She talks about Dad bringing me out to a nice meal and how when we came back, I flipped out, getting angry for no reason.
She rewrote history.
My mom knew my dad had ulterior motives and that I became angry for a valid reason. She knew he was the one that invited me over so SHE could see her grand kids. Then she twisted the story later to paint me as an angry insane person and posted about it publicly on her blog, under her real name, with my picture.
Love bombing is definitely a red flag. Just because someone is pampering you with meals or money or trips doesn't mean they're a safe person. In fact, they probably aren’t. Most likely they have an ulterior motive that won’t make you feel good at all.
6.) A wolf in sheep's clothing will present himself as Mr. Perfect
My dad is Mr. Perfect.
He never does anything wrong. His motives are as pure and white as the driven snow. He stands up for the little guy (coughs) meaning my mother. Always.
He has never apologized to me for the manipulative things that he's done. He's never apologized for pretending to know God's will. He's never apologized for invading my privacy. He's never apologized sincerely for hurting my son's feelings. In short, he's yet to come clean about anything. Rather, he makes up stories to make himself look like Mr. Perfect.
Let me give you an example.
I am not the poster child for figuring things out quickly.
When the rift with my mother first opened, she and I didn't talk for a couple years, and then we gradually grew back together again. It was awkward. For 10 years running after we’d supposedly closed the rift she smear campaigned me to everyone she knew until I figured out what she was doing. My dad sat by and watched.
He was fine with it.
I got to the point where I couldn't deal with it anymore. That, however, is not the story you will hear from my dad if you ever talk to him. He will tell you that neither of his two daughters want to have a relationship with him or Mom, because we left Mormonism. And we are not okay with them still being Mormon.
It's an alternative reality.
It has nothing to do with the truth, but this is what he has gone around and told all his brothers and his sisters, his friends and the people in his new congregation. In reality, I held onto a relationship with my parents for a very long time even when it wasn't working and had become excruciatingly painful. The last straw for me was when my younger sister and my older brother decided to leave Mormonism a couple of years ago around the same time.
When my parents found out, they went over to my older brother's house while he had company. It was a dinner party, but my dad still unleashed a tirade of shame onto my older brother in front of guests. My brother actually had to send the guests out to play basketball so that he could deal with his Dad and Mom shaming him like a little kid, because how dare he not believe in their church.
I was able to forgive the smear campaigning. I was working on it, but when they did that to my brother... that was the first thing that indicated they had not changed. The second thing came less than a week later when my sister told them she no longer was going to attend church. Side note, she was also in the middle of divorcing her husband at that time and my parents already knew about it.
So my sister confessed she would no longer be going to church, and my mother basically told my sister she didn't love her. Dad just sat there, as per the usual. Then they left.
Not long after that, they took her soon-to-be-ex-husband out to get food and offered to testify against my sister in court. They had already informed my sister they were not going to support her and expressly told her she was not allowed to talk to them about the divorce, but with her soon-to-be ex-husband, they offered to testify on his behalf and told him point blank that they were on his side.
It was such an ugly betrayal that I decided I couldn’t have a relationship with my parents. I mean, what kind of people are so toxic they would turn on their own children in this way?
Then the story got worse.
My parents, without provocation from any of the children who they had recently alienated, were so embarrassed about being in the same congregation as my apostate sister and were so determined not to offer her any support, they made the decision to sell their condo and move to Colorado where they could be close to their one child who was still a believer in Mormonism.
That’s what they did.
They packed up their stuff. They told us they were moving, but they didn't tell us when or give us any details. And my sister and I didn’t find out about it until after the fact, because our parents didn’t share the details of their departure with us.
But my father is Mr. Perfect. He couldn’t tell the truth about how he and Mom left. He refused to tell the actual true story to his family and his friends. Because it didn’t make him look good. So he twisted the narrative. I know this because, in December, less than a month after they had moved away, my younger sister, my brother and I, all received this letter from his sister, S, the one I mentioned earlier. I'm going to read it, give me a sec.
Dear Angela.Yesterday and today I had the opportunity to serve supper and visit with your parents. They are stoic, but not so much so that their deep pain escaped my notice. I ask myself how can it be that after 40 plus years of East Coast residency raising their five children in that area that none of the four living there had courtesy to see them off.
Clearly whatever story my parents are telling doesn't include the fact that we didn't even know when they were leaving. The letter continues:
Please begin. It's not too late, while they are alive, to tease apart matters of faith and matters of everyday living. What you give comes back to you... Love them. They gave their best.
She goes on to talk about how just because we don't have the same faith anymore, that doesn't mean we can't begin again. The rest of the letter is about how we should be grateful. It is guilt, guilt, and more guilt. So evidently, the narrative my parents are telling is about them being perfect parents and their children rejecting them because we're no longer Mormon and can't tolerate our parent's choices to remain faithful to The Church.
This could not be further from the truth.
The wolf in sheep’s clothing has to appear perfect. It does not matter what the truth is. Narratives will be spun to keep the wolf looking perfect.
7.) A wolf in sheep's clothing is generous with money
My dad is very generous with money, but here's what you don't see, what other people don't see about this wolf in sheep's clothing: He uses money as a carrot and stick in order to get his way. He uses it to reward or to punish based on whether you give him what he wants.
My dad wrote my sister and I a letter 6 months after they moved to Colorado. We were not talking to them for very good reason. This letter was his response.
You can see how loving it actually is.
I have no interest in his money, personally, but it's an ultimatum. It's an ultimatum of "give us what we want or we're going to cut you out of the will." Of course, neither of us reached out after getting a letter like that, because who reaches out after getting a letter like that?
Listeners, this concludes the podcast for today. The next episode will be about the perceptions, thoughts, and feelings that keep us stuck in unhealthy relationships.
No comments:
Post a Comment